It’s funny now

In Blog entry by JAcOBLeave a Comment

Travelling on a plane

As a child, when I went to the doctors with my Mum, there would always be a stack of Reader’s Digest magazines on a table and in each magazine there would be a page titled “Laughter is the best medicine” which would have various anecdotal stories of humour.

I don’t know if this is typical, whether it’s a ‘side effect’ or if it’s just me being me, but I have a very active sense of humour … I am a practical joker, I am the biggest cause of disruption of work in my office and am often told by my colleagues to “please shut up … I’ve got work to do”

I find in my lighter moments that I look at the situations I get myself into and think “what a twit”, or “only you could be so silly to think of doing that … ”

Recently on a trip to China I had an encounter with a hairdresser.  A long haired Englishmen (me) walks into a bar(bers) … ( Said in a Tommy Cooper voice.) and through the use of a translation application on my phone, I say I want a trim … “please don’t touch the back of my head” I gesticulated.  The Chinese man, with no English at all … nods yes, yes, yes.  I take off my glasses at which point I shut my eyes and float away into an alcove in my mind.  Twenty minutes later, I open my eyes and looking in the mirror I am greeted by an English looking Kim Jung Un … horrified … that the barber, whilst making me look like a corrupt dictator, has just ruined three years of me telling people DONT TOUCH THE BACK OF MY HEAD … ”

Some days later I reflected that there must be a reason this happened.  Still absolutely gutted, I try to write something humorous about it, but fail miserably.  Probably, if the moment could have been caught on camera when I opened my eyes to see my “mane” gone, that would be funny … for it’s true to say that my madness prevailed in that moment … hissing and cursing and red faced and almost bald … In fact worse … looking like a Korean leader with that stupid haircut!  Have you ever seen the way a baseball coach disputes a decision with a baseball umpire? It’s rather humorous … they kick dirt at each other … well I was kicking my hair all over the bloke’s shoes. My head will now be covered for the next three years … and rest assured … I’ll not be visiting another Chinese Barber!

THE ‘YES’ MEN

On this same trip, I attempted to buy some glasses. Now I have a very complex prescription, and if they aren’t made to exact specifications they end up being as thick as the back side of a rhino! I had properly prepared and written down with extreme care, the specification. Now my glasses are extremely expensive and so I went off to China, having done my research very well I thought.  I found an optician who had good English and asked them to make me 5 pairs of glasses. Stressing that the specification must be followed to the letter … “yes, yes, yes, yes” was the response.

Days later, the optician messages me to say they have made two pairs and just want to check they are ok before making the others … “fair enough” I thought … so I went off to the optician.  Well, first of all the lenses where as thick as a Rhinos arse and secondly they tried to fool me that they were something they weren’t.  Disgusted, I spoke to the owner and out of pity gave them £20 for something that I could probably have used for rifle practice.

On my next trip to China I found a place that specialises in bespoke glasses … you would have thought I would have learned my lesson by now … but no … so off I go to a market that specialises in JUST glasses … I walk around 100 or more vendors asking, “do you have anyone who speaks very good English?”

Eventually I find a large store with lots of smiling girls in it and a few westerners…so I am encouraged. I speak to the the Head Honcho, and explain what I need and guess what he says … “yes, yes, yes, yes … we have” … So I tell the man, I am just going to buy a drink, can he please prepare a quote for me so that I can place an immediate order?  “Yes, yes, yes, yes” he responds.  He knows I will be coming back because I leave with him the glasses that were made for me previously in China, and a pair made in the UK.

When I return, some 15 minutes later there is a hive of activity around the “head honcho” who now it’s apparent is not the head honcho … but in the middle of the “scrum” is the main man. They courteously give me a seat, and all of a sudden I am surrounded by 10 beautiful young Chinese ladies all smiling and laughing … I am not amused.

Patience running thin … I request his price … “one minute” he says … I seek reassurance that I am not wasting my time … “yes, yes, yes … one minute” … the harem of woman around me all babbling away and smiling and laughing (probably at my expense!)

My blood pressure is rising.  Five minutes later … I enquire “please tell me you understand?  I don’t want to waste your time or my own”.  “Yes, yes, yes, one minute please”.

Now I am not amused at all … I make it very clear “you give me a price now or I will go” … The response “just 1 minute”.

THAT’S IT. The final straw …

I am PUSE … muttering profanity under my breath … disgusted, indignant and probably looking very ridiculous I collect up my good glasses and take the Chinese ones and throw them on the floor in rage and stamp on them twice … then jump up and down on them twice … growling like a bear with a thorn in it’s paw and throwing a tantrum like a 3 year old.  It must have looked hilarious to the onlooker … and after the event I thought to myself … what a plonker!

I hope my acts of ridiculousness cause you maybe a little reason to smile or laugh.

With peace, love and hope,

JAcOB

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